To Lose is to Die
by Indigo Tantarian
Summary: The memoirs of Kaiba Seto from childhood up to after the series. Very Mokubacentric, lots of brotherly love, and of course, the BlueEyes White dragon. All is overshadowed by one lesson learned early in life: To lose is to die.


_Author's Notes:_ I've been thinking about Kaiba a lot lately, so I started out randomly writing something for him, and it ended up being literally his life story. But I'm happy with it. Enjoy!

Warning: LOTS of spoilers! This is narrated from after the end of the series, though it doesn't go too deep into things there. And I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, or anything like that.

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**To Lose is to Die**

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My name is Kaiba Seto, and don't forget it. I never do.

Kaiba was never truly MY name. I inherited it from my stepfather, among other things. Only those I trust intimately may call me Seto, because that name is mine alone. And very few people fall into that category. "Kaiba" places more distance between me and the speaker, which is the way I want it. It also serves as a reminder of who I am, who I must be to those who call me that. Cold, ruthless, and nothing but business.

Make no mistake, I want it that way. It's how it must be, and I wouldn't want it any differently. It's kept me alive, and works well.

My brother, with his different situation, doesn't use our family name often. He could, and occasionally he does in school, but for the most part he is only Mokuba. I'm not sure if I envy him or fear for him in that. Where I am the Kaiba name, he is himself no matter whom he talks with or what role he plays: Vice president, student, brother, he's always Mokuba. An individual, but with no protection of a shared name. I shouldn't worry though, he can handle himself well. Better than I, at times.

Our parents died when I was seven, and Mokuba was two. Until then, we had been raised in a loving home. Our parents were wonderful… I wasn't the most popular one in school, being more intelligent even than the other students in my private school for gifted children, but it was all right, because not everyone disliked me. And I had my family. Mokuba hadn't reached the stage where intelligence made such a difference yet, but he was always developmentally above his physical age level as well.

At the orphanage, I was forced to change schools. They wouldn't pay for me to attend a special school that could measure up to my needs and abilities. I was told that I could be in a normal school for a change, that it was good for me. As if they knew, or cared, what was good for me. Mokuba never had any opportunity to be in anything other than a regular public school. Of course any idiot can tell that he's more at ease in social situations than I am, but that's hardly because of the schools we attended. I think if he had had the opportunities I did early in life, Mokuba could achieve at least as much as I have, possibly even more. That's not to say that I'm not proud of him, and that he's not great in his own right. At the time I was enraged that they wouldn't allow either of us to reach our full potential. But it saved him later. I won't go into how we were treated aside from that, but you can be sure it wasn't an enjoyable time. At least we had each other.

When potential adopters came to browse we were all straightened up, carted out to the common room, and told we had better be on our best behavior and play happily. Or else. That or else meant that if we disobeyed, we wouldn't be adopted. And we might be punished if the visitors commented that we didn't seem very energetic, happy… whatever they were looking for. We had no choice, we had to play something. I joined in a game of tag, or various ball-sports occasionally. My long legs made me a fast runner, and I was not yet to the age of awkward clumsiness, so even though I wasn't popular, I wasn't shunned in that area. Still, I preferred games that took a bit more strategy. I challenged anyone who would take me up on my offer to games of cards, checkers, chess… Sometimes we played mind games on paper or simply with words. Many of the others enjoyed watching these games, but they quickly stopped challenging me when they found I always won. It was a shame, a couple of them might have been challenging to me if they hadn't given up so easily. But then, it's no fun to always be beaten. By the time Kaiba Gozaburo showed up, Mokuba was the only one who would play with me. I usually won, though I occasionally let him win; only so he wouldn't get discouraged. He was good. I was proud of him.

I suppose there were a few reasons why no one decent was interested in adopting both of us. Mokuba wasn't a recognized genius, even though I knew he was ahead of the others. If someone was willing to pay extra for the education I deserved, they still rarely wanted an older child. Parents want babies or young children, who have no memories of their previous lives and who might conceivably think of their adopters as their true parents. Plenty of couples were interested in me though, and a few liked Mokuba. But both of us together? No, that was too much. Parents want to adopt a single child. Mokuba and I promised each other never to leave each other, and we never broke that. If someone wanted one of us, they would get both or neither.

From the moment Kaiba Gozaburo arrived, I knew that day our lives would change if I could make them. We had been fairly well-off before, but this was one of the richest, most powerful men in the country. Maybe in the world. I knew I would only have one chance to take my life back, so I hatched a desperate plan. I challenged this man to a game of chess. He thought it was laughable, of course. An orphaned child, challenging this business tycoon to a game of strategy? Ludicrous. But I stood my ground and told him that if I won, he had to adopt Mokuba and myself. He laughed at my audaciousness. I took advantage of my youth and his bad judgment. I hated being misjudged due to my age, but I swallowed my pride and took full advantage of that annoyance. I challenged him because I was sure of victory, or too desperate to care, because it couldn't possibly get any worse. He accepted only because he was sure of victory.

Of course, any idiot could tell you that I won. I was smug, elated. Our fate was secure. I was so pleased… I had showed him up, he would never underestimate me again.

It was both the greatest achievement and the worst mistake of my life.

When everything was finalized, a limo came to pick us up. Of course Gozaburo wasn't there, but he was a busy man. I didn't expect an immediate warm welcome, no matter how impressed he had been with my skills, but I thought at worst, we would never see him. That first day, servants attended to our every need. We were fed, given rooms of our own, and measured for new clothes. That night after a delicious dinner and a rich dessert we were both tired, so Mokuba and I shared a hug before curling up in our huge, soft beds and falling asleep.

The following morning, our new life truly began.

Like the orphanage, I don't enjoy remembering living with Gozaburo. Being pushed to your limit is one thing, but being pushed so far beyond it that you nearly break under the pressure is quite another. Everything I needed to learn (and far more) was literally beaten into me. If I learned too slowly, I was punished. Even if I was quick enough, it didn't matter. The point had to be enforced. If my sleeping habits are bad now, they were nonexistent then. I was not allowed to rest until my lessons were over, and they never ended. Food was given when I exceeded expectations, so I suppose I was lucky for my intelligence. But that was what got me into this in the first place, so I couldn't feel too grateful. Sometimes I resented other children, my classmates, for their normal, pleasant lives, their ordinary problems. At times I hated myself. If I had been born average, regular, this never would have happened. Or if only I could do better, I could please him and he would stop this…

Mokuba was still the only thing I had. I attended a private school, but I had no friends. They weren't allowed, and I quickly learned not to let anyone get close to me. It would only hurt me, or them. I told myself I didn't want, didn't need anyone else. And I believed it. It was true, after all. I had Mokuba, and I could be strong with him. He went to the same school, but we rarely saw each other there. He made a few acquaintances, but he was also reluctant to get close to anyone after a while. Where my school work was monitored and held to nearly impossible standards, his was ignored. I helped him when I could, and took an interest in what he did, but it just wasn't possible for me to be there for him often enough. Luckily he had his own work ethic. He was intelligent enough to do well, and determined enough to care. And even if he wasn't up to the impossible level I was held to, he asked about my work. And about me. He worried about me a lot. Sometimes he would sneak food to me, or notes in my books. When I had private time to study, he often tried to keep my tutors and Gozaburo busy so I would have a little time to sleep. I would have benefited from more studying, but the human body can only function for so long before it collapses.

At the same time, despite everything I had to do, I tried my best to look out for Mokuba, too. I cared for him when I could. I didn't have to sneak him food or time to sleep, and it's a good thing, because he would have died if he had to rely on me for that. But when he had gone too far and would have been punished, I protected him. I received quite a few beatings for him, but it was worth it. I knew I would be all right. Gozaburo only kept Mokuba around because without him, I wouldn't do what he asked. I was the one he wanted, and though he would beat me, starve me, and deprive me of sleep and contact with my brother, I knew he wouldn't kill me or do any damage that couldn't be covered up the next day.

I learned about Duel Monsters in school. It was the new trend, the exciting game from America. The strong competition and complex strategies appealed to me. Of course I had no way to go out and buy the cards from a store, but I managed to get some anyway. My classmates would give them to me in return for 'help' with their homework. By that, of course I mean they copied it. Only a few wanted to actually understand what they were doing. It went against my morals, of course. But even then I had learned to be ruthless, to fight for what I needed. I managed to get enough cards to make a deck that way, and from then on I won my cards fairly. It was hard to get good cards that way, but I managed well enough.

Then one day, I saw it. On a flier someone dropped in the hall. I snatched up the paper, and spent the rest of the day staring at the picture and hesitantly sketching a shaky copy in my notebook. I couldn't make it perfect… And more than any of my schoolwork, homework, or any work from my tutors or Gozaburo, this should be perfect. I erased and re-drew the lines countless times. At the end of the day I had nearly rubbed the paper to shreds, but I had it. A faint, perfect drawing of the majestic Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Its neck snaked towards me; the jaws open in a roar I could almost hear. The wings spread out behind it, and the tail curled around in front. It could have been threatening… But it wasn't threatening me. No, never me… This dragon was all I aspired to be, all I admired. I learned that there were only four of these cards in the world. And I knew then that I must have them. Yes, they were strong cards that I could win with. But… there was something more, something deeper there. I felt something for that dragon… almost akin to what I felt for Mokuba. Though not quite.

I took the flier and my picture home and showed Mokuba as soon as I got the chance. It was late that night when I should have been studying, or at least sleeping. But I was too entranced with my amazing dragon… And I had to share it. Mokuba immediately caught my excitement. I had rarely shown off much creative expression before, as that was not something Gozaburo valued, and he was amazed at my drawing's accuracy. I told him about the rarity and power of the card. I even hesitantly tried to describe the connection I felt with the dragon… And he understood. That night we both dreamed of flying away on the dragon's back, through the clouds.

But my cards were discovered in time, along with the flier and my precious, fragile drawing. The cards were taken from me, thrown away. The papers were ripped up and thrown in the fire. I was crushed.

Mokuba saved me again. One day when I was studying, my tutor came in and said I had forgotten some books, that my brother had dropped them off. I was so frustrated with everything I had to do that I threw the books to the floor as soon as the man left. …And cards fell from the pages. I could hardly believe my eyes as I rushed to gather up the bright rectangles, almost hungrily. When I had them all, I looked through them slowly. Some were missing, but nearly all of them were here. And… there was another. Not a real card, but a rectangle of white paper, about the size of a card. On it was a rough but accurate drawing. The Blue-Eyes White Dragon. I recognized Mokuba's lines, the clear expression in the eyes he must have drawn.

It was too much. I couldn't help myself. I broke down and cried.

But things were not always so perfect between us. Soon after I became a teenager, I felt it was time to make another influential move to change the course of my life. By that time, I no longer trembled or looked away when he looked at me. I met his eyes with the hard steel gaze that was my best defense, the only defense anyone could have against him. Any weakness shown would mean a loss for me. And Gozaburo's greatest lesson that he instilled into me was… To lose is to die. It's true.

But I digress. I went to his office, with the Big Five, who backed his company, behind me. He treated them badly as well, and I know a potential alliance when I see it. My plan was perfect. I would combine my shares of KaibaCorp with those of the Big Five, and we would overthrow his dictatorship. I would take him off guard, challenge him, and win. Just like I had before. He'd never know what hit him.

He was ready, though. He knew. He knew about everything. He was too smart to be caught in the same trap twice, and this time he knew what to use against me. He told me that Mokuba had betrayed me, telling him everything.

…I couldn't believe it. I've never felt so betrayed in my life. My one source of comfort, happiness, and stability had been knocked out from under me. Mokuba screamed that it was a lie, that he would never betray me… but the damage had been done. Gozaburo had planted that one seed of doubt in my mind, and if I couldn't trust my brother, how could I ever trust anyone again?

But my faith in Mokuba returned. He saved me again, though I accused him, turned on him. He gave me his small shares of stock… and all of a sudden the tables were turned. I really had beaten Gozaburo. But things could never be the same after that… And I couldn't allow that, or everything he had done, to go unpunished. Gozaburo tried to fight me. So I pushed him out of his own window. I still remember the scream. I sometimes sit in that very office, musing about whether the same will happen to me when I become too heartless.

…No. No matter how low I have gone, I will never be like that despicable fool… But the thought is always there, to haunt me, to keep me from that fate.

I kept a closer eye on the Big Five after that. They were the true traitors, and we clashed a few more times. Each time, I was victorious. They should have known better.

Over time, I gained three of my treasured Blue-Eyes White Dragon cards. One I bought. One I won. The third I won and had to pay for. But it was all worth it. I didn't tell the idiots I got them from, but I would have paid any price for those cards.

I continued to search for the last card. But something about me was… different. Wrong. I don't know what possessed me, figuratively or literally. I… lost sight of what was truly important: Mokuba and the Blue-Eyes White Dragons. I ignored Mokuba. I actually ripped the last Blue-Eyes card in half…

And of course, I paid the price for what I had done. Yuugi Muto, who also seemed rather different than his normal soft-spoken self, did… something to me. I'm not sure what, but it hit me like a rock in the head. It took me a while to wake up, but far longer to recover mentally, psychologically. It was as if I had been building up a tower of glass or ice around myself, and he broke it, leaving me full of the jagged shards.

I did recover though. It was probably a quicker recovery than it could have been, considering the fact that Mokuba was kidnapped and I didn't have time to sit staring off into space trying to piece my life back together. I had to save him.

You know, Yuugi's friend Mazaki Anzu actually had the gall to imply that I have nothing, to call me heartless. Well the image fits, and I had always questioned the intelligence of that whole group, but that's still a rather shallow assumption. Oh no, don't look beyond the blatantly obvious, you might see the truth. Heaven forbid. And yes, I probably would have let myself fall. I didn't know if Yuugi would want, or even think, to save Mokuba. I couldn't take the chance. Perhaps I would now, but not then. I had to win that duel against Yuugi to have a chance to save Mokuba. I was sorry about his grandfather, but if it were a choice between him and Mokuba, I would save Mokuba any day.

So yes, at the end of the day, I do have all that I need. …Not at the end of that day, but since then, I have. I have Mokuba, and I have my Blue-Eyes.

Can you comprehend how humiliating, how shameful it is to receive help from your rival, the only person who's ever completely wiped the floor with you and lived to tell the tale? It could have been worse. It could have been his friend the dog. But nevertheless, accepting help seems far too weak for me. Not that I had any choice in the matter. Pegasus defeated me, he cheated somehow, and I let my brother down… He imprisoned me in some dark place… I woke up a day or two later to find myself lying in a dungeon. When I crawled out, Mokuba was fine… I was so happy to see him. It's one of the few times I've ever smiled when there were other people around to see me. But the fact that I hadn't been able to save him still gnawed at me.

Soon after, the Big Five trapped us in a virtual reality game I had been working on. This time, Mokuba helped me out… I don't resent him for that. I was glad to see him. But… could I have done the same, if he had been the one trapped? Based on my recent record, I would have to be doubtful. And of course after that, Yuugi and his crew were there to force their assistance on me. I suppose Yuugi has earned enough of my respect so that if I have no choice, I can accept a bit of help from him. But not much.

Mokuba seems rather prone to being kidnapped, actually. In my Battle City tournament, Malik's thugs kidnapped him. Luckily he managed to get away by himself. I had no problems dealing with those idiotic Ghouls, but they did slow me down a bit.

Just before Battle City, I also received a new card… God of the Obelisk. An Egyptian God Card. This power could surpass my Blue-Eyes White Dragons… I admit, power has always attracted me. And Obelisk was my trump card in Battle City. But it never took the place of my Blue-Eyes. Never. That doesn't mean I wasn't angry about losing it to Yuugi, of course. …Not only did I lose a great card, but it was another blow to my pride, another loss.

To lose is to die.

…But at the same time, to fight is to live. I will not let such defeats destroy me. I'm not as weak as that.

I wasn't happy about it, but I gave Yuugi the card he would need to defeat Malik. He's defeated me numerous times, and I resent that, but I do have a certain respect for him. Anyone who can defeat me is worthy of that, at least.

In my dealings with Pegasus, with Yuugi, with Isis, with… anyone owning one of those gold Millennium Items, really… I've run across a lot of things that can't be explained. 'Magic' or 'destiny'... I don't believe that kind of crap. …Or at least I didn't. Destiny, I still say is a weak cop-out excuse. I make my own fate, I won't allow life to carry me along against my control and will. But… there are some things I've seen that could be nothing else. I'll admit that this is disconcerting. It's a power I know nothing of, and have no way of getting.

Of course, it's possible that this is a power that was rightfully mine, but was denied me. If I can believe what it shows me.

I saw, twice, a man like me in visions caused by the Millennium Tauk and Rod. I later learned that he was called Seito, a high priest to an Egyptian Pharaoh. To Yuugi's other half, of all people. Hn. But it appeared he could think for himself well enough. He wielded the Millennium Rod, and appeared to use it quite well.

And who shows up holding the Rod? Malik Ishtar! After his defeat? None other than Yuugi. No surprise there, if there's magic or destiny involved, you'll find him at the center of it. There was never any mention of giving me what was OBVIOUSLY mine by right. Especially with how much those people believe in their 'destiny'. If my holding the Rod wasn't destiny, I don't know what would be. So that possible aspect of life remains beyond my reach. But this, at least, is something I can bear to live without. It's never been a part of my life, so I don't miss it. And I have no need of it.

The rest is no longer important. It came and went, and I came out on top. I have my brother, the one person I love and trust, who loves and trusts me in return. I have my Blue-Eyes White Dragons, which carry my pride and my soul. I've… come to terms with the fact that I can be defeated. That doesn't mean I've given up, of course. To give up is truly to lose (yes, and to lose is to die, I hope you remember that by now). I'll keep challenging Yuugi. At times he understands this, at other times he doesn't. But he'll have to deal with it. And I'll win, in time. But even then I'll keep challenging him.

The future? Obviously I'll go on as I have. KaibaCorp is one of the world's most powerful companies. I've changed it from a military power that could literally destroy the world to one that can do good. I want to develop games, build theme parks… I want to do something that will bring happiness to others. As silly as that sounds… Above all, I never want anyone to have to go through what Mokuba and I did. That shouldn't be. What's worse, our lives have been decent compared to some. It isn't right. I can't stop it of course, but I'll do all I can to fight against it.

Because while losing means death and fighting is winning, it's the game itself that leads to one or the other. We live in the game until we submit to the end, no matter what the outcome is.

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_Endnote:_ Reviews please me endlessly! (_hint hint_)


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